MEIHEM IN CE KLASRUM
(by Dolton Edwards)
1946
Because we are still bearing some of the scars of
our brief skirmish with II-B English, it is natural
that we should be enchanted by Mr. George Bernard
Shaw's current campign for a simplified alphabet.
Obviously, as Mr. Shaw points out, English spelling
is in much need of a general overhauling and stream-
lining. However, any changes requiring a large ex-
penditure of mental effort in the near future would
cause us to view with some apprehension the possib-
lity of some day receiving a morning paper printed
in - to us - Greek. Our own plan would achieve the
same end as the legislation proposed by Mr. Shaw,
but in a less shocking manner, as it consists merely
of an acceleration of the normal processes by which
the language is continually modernized.
As a catalytic agent, we would suggest that a Na-
tional Easy Language Week be proclaimed, which the
President would inaugurate, outlining some short-cut
to concentrate on during the week, and be adopted
during the ensuing year. All school children would
be given a holiday, the lost time being the equiva-
lent of that gained by the spelling short cut.
In 1946, for example, we would urge the elimination
of the soft "c," for which we would substitute "s."
Sertainly, such an improvement would be selebrated
in all sivic-minded sircles as being suffisiently
worth the trouble, and students in all sities in the
land would be reseptive toward change and eliminat-
ing the nesessity of learning the differense between
the two letters.
In 1947, sinse only the hard "c" would be left, it
would be possible to substitute "k" for it, both
letters be pronounsed identikally. Imagine how
greatly only two years of this prosess would klarify
the konfusion in the minds of students. Already we
would have eliminated an entire letter from the al-
phabet. Typewriters and linotypes kould be built
with one less letter and all the manpower and mate-
rials previously devoted to making "c's" kould now
be turned toward raising the national standard of
living.
In the fase of so many notable improvements, it is
easy to foresee that by 1948, "National Easy Lan-
gauge Week" would be a pronounsed sukses. All skhool
khildren would be looking forward with knsiderable
exsitement to the holiday, and in a blaze of nation-
al publisity it would be announsed that the double
konsonant "ph" no longer existed, and that it would
henseforth be written "f" in all words. This would
make sukh words as "fonograf" twenty percent shorter
in print.
By 1949, publik interest in a fonetik alfabet kan be
expekted to have inkreased to the point where a more
radikal step forward kan be taken without fear of
undue kritisism. We would therefore urge the elimi-
nation, at that time of all unesesary double leters,
whikh, although quite harmles, have always ben a
nuisanse in the language and a desided deterent to
akurate speling. Try it yourself in the next leter
you write, and se if both writing and reading are
not fasilitated.
With so mukh progres already made, it might be posi-
ble in 1950 to delve further into the posibilities
of fonetik speling. After due konsideration of the
reseption aforded the previous steps, it should be
expedient by this time to spel al dfthongs foneti-
caly. Most students do not realize that the long "i"
and "y," as in "time" and "by," are aktualy the
difthong "ai," as it is writen in "aisle," and that
the long "a" in "fate," is in reality the difthong
"ei" as in "rein." Although perhaps not imediately
aparent, the saving in taime and efort wil be
tremendous when we leiter eliminate the sailent "e,"
as meide posible bai this last khange.
For, as wel known, the horible mes of "es" apearing
in writen language is kaused prinsipaly bai the pre-
sent nesesity of indileiting whether a vowel is long
or short. Therefore, in 1951 we kould simply elim-
ineit al sailent "e's," and kontinu to read and
wrait merily along as though we wer in an atomik ag
of edukeition.
In 1951 we would urge a greit step forward. sins bai
this taim it would have ben four years sins anywun
had used the leter "c," we would sugest the the "Na-
tional Easy Language Wek" for 1951 be devoted to
substitution of "c" for "th." To be sur it would be
som taim befor peopl would bekom akustomed to read-
ing ceir newspapers and buks withs sukh sentenses in
cem as "Ceodor caught he had cre cousand cistls
crust crough ce cik of his cumb."
In ce seim maner, bai meiking eakh leter hav its own
sound and cat sound only, we kould shorten ce lan-
gauge stil mor. In 1952 we would elimineit ce "y";
cen in 1953 we kould us ce letter to indikeit the
"sh" sound, cerbai klarifaiing words laik yugar and
yur, as wel as redusing bai wun mor leter al words
laik "yut," "yore," and so forc. Cink, cem, of al ce
benifits to be geind bai ce distinktion whikh wil be
meid between words laik:
ocean: now writen oyean
machine: now writen mayin
racial: now writen reiyial
Al sukh divers weis of wraiting wun sound would no
longer exist, and whenever wun kaim akros a "y"
sound he would know exakli what to wrait.
Kontinuing cis proses, year after year, we would
eventuali have a reali sensibl writen languag. By
1975, wi ventur to sei, cer wud bi no mor uv ces
teribli trublsum difikultis, wic no tu noises riten
wic ce seim leter. Even Mr. Yaw, wi beliv, wud be
hapi in ce noleg cat his drims fainali keim tru.
